That's how one of the authors I follow on Twitter described how she's feeling these days. Numb to the world. And I get it.
It seems like every day, we are bombarded with more bad news. It's never ending.
More than 100,000 people who have lost their lives to COVID-19 in the United States alone. The numbers continue to go up, even as our leaders drop quarantine measures of open up for the sake of the economy.
Ahmaud Arbery was murdered while jogging.
Christian Cooper filmed a white woman hysterically calling the police on him for asking her to put a leash on her dog.
And of course... George Floyd's murder by a police officer in Minneapolis.
All the while, our "leadership" is more than failing us. They're actively working against us.
The pictures of George Floyd's murder were horrific. I'll admit, I didn't watch the video. I have a policy of never watching a video in which a person is killed, but I've been rethinking this policy. Because it seems very similar to looking away, avoiding the issue. I feel I should keep my eyes open, force myself to watch these atrocities, so that I can be aware of the very real struggle every black person in America lives every day.
It's hard. I want to walk away. I want to avoid the news. I want to hide in my writing and not think about the real world. But I also know that is privilege. Having a choice is a privilege I have because I'm white.
And more importantly, I want to do the right thing for my fellow humans. I want justice. I want equality. I want my country to live up to the ideals it pretends to have. So, I can't let myself turn away or ignore what is happening around me.
However, I've found it hard to focus on anything on my personal radar. My writing has taken a hit. I sit down at my computer, and all I can think about is the conversations happening on social media.
That said, today I finally came to a decision regarding my revisions for Alyssa's Playlist which I think will fix the problems that I've been struggling with the past few weeks. I'm going to try very hard to knock them out within the week so I can focus on writing some short stories during the rest of June, and hopefully find my creativity again.